Gentlemen's Club Virgins

This past weekend I was able to attend two shows from adult film star Kaylani Lei. She has done over 150 films and even has won an AVN Come-Back-Actress-Of-The-Year award. Last Friday was her triumphant return to the Crazy Horse in San Francisco.

In Kaylani’s first set, she was dressed in a red and black Asian-theme. She danced up and down the stage collecting massive amounts of dollar bills. By the 3rd song, she was fully nude and brought up a willing volunteer, who was laid down on the stage, pants unzipped and a glass phallic object inserted in his zipper hole to simulate an erection. Kaylani proceeded to “blow” the volunteer. Along with lubricant that appeared like semen, she emulated oral sex. The “dance” climaxed when she removed the dildo and began to pleasure herself with it.

All in all, I wasn’t disappointed. She came, she danced, she came! For those who have not seen Kaylani, she does not have the body of a porn star, yet she still holds that aura of "rockstar" around her.

For those of you who are Gentlemen's Club Virgins here are a few tips to know:

• Like any club, expect the busy times on the weekends, Friday and Saturday. They will be inundated with college frat boys, bachelor parties, and the occasional creepy old man. There are covers at the clubs usually around $20. Many places offer discounts if you bring a lady friend

• Sitting at the stage, TIPPING IS MANDATORY. Do not sit in the front row of the stage expecting to get a free show, these are their jobs gentlemen. Show some appreciation

• Just like Chris Rock said, “There is NO sex in the champagne room”. On the west coast they are called private rooms, I've only heard them use the term champagne room in Vegas. Feel free to tell all your homies you got head/handjob/sex. Just don’t make it too extravagant

• First time, second time, millionth time, you must get a lap dance. You do not want to be the one loser on the car ride home with no story to tell

• DO NOT get overly excited, that just spells out “rookie” to the strippers and they will just see you as an ATM

• KNOW your limits. Only go in with money you intend to spend and never bring your plastic cards. Know when to say no. Strippers are like potato chips, you just can't have one.

• During private lap dances, there will be no crotch-ualar touching. You can feel free to grab titties and ass. Only touch if she guides you to the promise land herself.

• Forewarning, stripper smell and glitter will ALWAYS rub off on you, so wash your hands, face, or even bring another set of clothes if you are there on the downlow.

• Always call out the one guy/girl whose birthday it is. You always get something special.

• Show you are interested and having fun, the girls will show that love back. Don’t be the creepy guy in the corner by themselves.

General rule is to have fun! Don’t be the stick in the mud to ruin everyone's good time. 65% of guys do not go to the strip club with intentions of getting laid, we all would like to think about it, but these girls know better. So, have fun, spend a little money, grab some tits and call it a night.

-CMC